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...god knows how i miss you,

all the hell that i've been through

just knowing

no one could take your place..."


well that seems pretty obvious. i was sort of sad all day today, but honestly i didn't realize until i started typing this paragraph (not even the lyrics) that tomorrow is, or would be..., Andrew's birthday. he'd have been 24. i have faith in love, and in the future, but i also have no doubt that i will never have the same kind of unrestricted trust and connection with anyone else. i could do anything, anything, and vice versa, and it wouldn't even dent our love and faith and friendship. he was steady for me, always there, and i know in the last months of his life i got to be his rock, as he went through tough times. i'm so grateful i was able to repay him just a little bit for everything he provided in my life. even if it was just as someone to answer the phone at any hour of the night while he was on the road.

...what if i'd talked to him that night...? would things have been different? i don't blame myself, but i know every little decision can change a hundred things down the chain...i just wish i could have done something. even just said goodbye...

Current Mood:
sad sad
Current Music:
Who You'd Be Today
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Tuesday: weight: no change
food: 1 3/4c pasta, 2 c. milk, 2 pieces of pizza
Exercise 1: 30 min, 3.5 miles

i know, i know, the food was god awful; i hadn't intended to eat dinner, since i'd had pasta at lunch, but when i got home from the gym my parents had ordered pizza for a family meal, and since i keep flipping out on them for no apparent reason (i've been a little stressed about the financial situation post-Jae) i didn't want to rebuff their efforts at reconciliation. HOWEVER!!...dumdumdum...

Wednesday: weight: -1 pound (wtf?)
Exercise 1:

...I had lost another pound by today! I'm beginning to wonder if maybe doing an intensive daily exercise routine while eating a minimum number of calories (i probably had about 800 yesterday, and that was my high for the week) without restricting TOO severely will actually help me lose weight faster by tricking my body into thinking it's being fed and keeping my metabolism up for longer than when i stop eating altogether? i'm supposed to have lunch with my mom today, and i haven't eaten in a restaraunt in like, 2 years, so i'm a bit nervous about that and making sure not to eat or drink anything beforehand, and i'll have my stuff ready to go to the gym directly afterwards, but maybe this will be good for me. it can't go on forever, surely within 10 more pounds my body will notice the malnutrition and low body weight and stop losing so readily, but for now it's just thrilling, and i'll adapt as needed.
Current Mood:
cold cold
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Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest:

You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.

At Your Lowest:

You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.

In Love:

You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.

How You're Attractive:

Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.

Your Eternal Question:

"What else do I need in my life?"

This, as well as a post I read (vikkilynn) made me want to try this exercise:

things i like about me (non-physical):
my skill at, and love for, writing

my networking ability - how i can find people i like in a new city, how i can utilize the people i know to find jobs, grants, advisors, etc.

how laura once said, "i really want you to come because my two friends have never met before and you're so great at making people feel at ease, like we've all been hanging out for years" (because i always thought i was too shy to be successful at that)

my dedication to my education, even if it isn't finished "in time"

my willingness to try new things, even if they're scary (taking time off from school to travel alone, moving to a new city/new university, moving away from a boyfriend because i have to pursue my dreams or i'm not a worthwhile partnet)

my resilience, even when it isn't very visible i know its part of my core being

my growing ability to pursue the positive aspects of horrible situations and try to remain, if not optimistic, at least secure in the important lessons and growth that comes from struggle

what i like about myself (physical)

my eyes and their versatility

the fact that i have never even for a second been self-conscious about my breast size or shape; it's the one part of my body i have always accepted just as it is

that when i exercise daily my strength and mood improves dramatically, and i stop worrying about numbers and start reveling in a surprisingly fit and slim body (whereas if i'm not exercising i'm obsessing over flaws, real and perceived)

...this is genuinely a struggle, because i abandoned physical fitness for the last few months, so most of the things i like are still a few dozen workouts away...but in the anticipation,

my collarbone

the way my stomach curves into my hips and doesn't look fat, just feminine

the back of my shoulders, and how they make my tattoo look really sexy
Current Mood:
hungry hungry
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Weight: -1.5 pounds
Food: 4 pot stickers, 2 pieces whole grain bread, 1c organic pasta with fresh tomatoes, 1 nonfat yogurt
Exercise: 35 min, 5 miles on elliptical


I won't lie, I was relieved and surprised to find I'd lost another pound and a half today. And I find the mindset of self-control returning: "Well yesterday I ate a ton and I still lost weight, what if I exercised just as much and didn't eat, I could lose even more!" This has been a slightly elusive commitment for me, and I actually think the problem was not having access to a scale (I'm not supposed to have one, obviously). Now that I can see and record the numbers I find it's easier to motivate myself to a more extreme level each day. Whew.

Also worth noting: I spent all night dissecting Lucky and am traumatized by the number of beautiful things which I cannot afford! But someday. Amy slept on top of me all night, which was incredibly sweet of her, and also J* asked me a question about K-holes which drove me insane with longing for another night of K. It is quite simply the only drug I have ever done that I felt myself getting mentally addicted to - everything else, from blow or meth to xanax and klonipin, was a conscious choice to avoid being a willing participant in life, but after one, just one!, k-hole I craved the feeling more than I have ever craved anything. And I had ALMOST forgotten and now I remember again. Arhg.

9:11pm- okay day, fairly stressed about the fraud suit because i can't sign this affidavit, it would be perjury, so i spent a while on the phone trying to get legal advice for pursuing forgiveness of the debt and/or redeemed credit, but most of the people i have to call back tomorrow. at least i got some leads. also some solid leads on jobs, made an anticipated $470 just by mailing things to people, talked to Consuelo and Jordan, and got ahold of my doctor who finally renewed my Rx. Now: Laguna Beach, my new guilty pleasure.
Current Mood:
awake awake
Current Music:
Listen to Your Heart - DHT
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ok so i ate a TON today but here are the positive points from today:

I had tons of energy for exercising - AND exercised multiple times
I craved vegetables and water and had both
My mood had improved nearly 80% today (as compared to yesterday and the weeks preceding)
I started a food and exercise plan that, while restrictive, will allow me the basic nutritional (if not caloric) requirements while still losing weight

I also started looking online for loans to finish college. Possibly a better idea than drug trafficking, but then again J* found about 9 people interested in buying all variety of drugs. ThankGod. I so need money.

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Weight: XXX
Food: none
Exercise 1: basic freeweight routine
Exercise 2: 2mi. jog with dog

Weight: -1.5pounds
Food: 1c. ravioli and 1.5c milk

Weight: no change
Food: 3 whole grain low-cal pancakes, 1/2c. milk, 5 organic potstickers (180cal), 1/2 red pepper, 1/2 green pepper, 1/2 zucchini, 2 tbsp. vinagrette dressing
Exercise 1: 35 minutes, 4 miles on elliptical
Exercise 2: 30 minutes, 3 miles on elliptical

I thought I should start posting this general stuff instead of writing it down, because this way I'll feel more responsible for it. I just got back from the gym this morning, now I have to go spice up my resume and find a new job. I won't lie, I'm a little tense about getting another one quickly, just because money is so tight, but I don't regret quitting at all. Life at home has been too stressful lately, I couldn't take a work environment that was even worse. I've been feeling really strange lately, very depressed but I'm kind of reconciled to that - rather, lately it's been a very physical ailment, with strange numbness and uncontrollable muscle spasms/jerks etc. I was talking to Nancy at work (right before I quit, incidentally) and she said she went to the doctor for the same thing a few years back and he told her it was a manifestation of panic attacks. This would not surprise me as I was on a very potent dose of xanax prior to returning to NH, and without it my body has been completely spastic, not sleeping and twitching all the time. I actually had what I am going to refer to as a psychic fracture last night; it was not a complete break but it was sufficient enough to motivate me into action. so i refilled my xanax prescription.

also I need to find someone who wants to purchase Rx drugs like xanax, klonipin, vicodin, adderall, etc. because I HAVE TO FIND MONEY FOR SCHOOL. arhg. any ideas? i also have this phenomenal watch, it's an Aqua Marin (www.aquamarin.us) with pink mother of pearl etc, custom made, $1500, but i have NO idea where i can sell it where i'll be able to get something close to what it's worth. anyone??

oh since it was requested here is a brief version: jae is a guy who came to a party i hosted with a friend of mine - my friend left and jae didn't (seriously i was so fucked up i didn't notice till the next day) and he basically never left. i called the cops, he talked his way out of it, then he broke my phone, comandeered my land line, broke my computer and kept me trapped inside my apartment for months, making me order him food and drugs via phone with constant supervision. etc. etc. etc. i got away, he found my new apartment, i moved back to nh, he showed up at my job, i tried to press charges and found out he's using a fake name, fake SSN, and has no job, car, residence, or verifiable history. i finally, after 9 months, convinced my local precinct to issue a restraining order against his alias and succeeded in getting one of the credit card companies to file fraud charges and forgive the debt, but i'm still dealing with the $40000 of my life savings he used up as well as my credit rating he effectively dropped 150 points because he wouldn't let me pay my bills. soooooo, i would like to ram a piece of rebar through his head, but barring that i am having a friend of a friend do some possibly illegal detective work and see what he can pull up so i can continue to lobby the police to arrest him for giving them a false ID when they served him with the restraining order. grrrrrrr. ok end of story.
Current Mood:
Current Music:
What Was I Thinking - Dierks Bentley
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I'm sorry! Things got really crazy around here, then I lost my internet browser and had to wipe my hard drive and re-install everything. I "thank" the ex-stalker who changed all my software installation passwords without my knowledge.

...trigger warning...

Anyways, I've been so-so. I seriously need to decide what kind of eating rules to abide by, because I can go days (9 is my longest 0-calorie run, 4 days is pretty typical with the amount of physical activity I have to perform) without eating anything except water, and then I'll wake up one morning and find I ate ----- in my sleep. Sometimes it's just a yogurt, or some sliced apples, other times it's disastrous, fig newtons or an actual SANDWICH. uhhhnnnnggg. and I know my body looks different to me every day, but my thighs are just covered in cellulite today. I remember when they were so small and smooth. at least in comparison. I really don't know if I should set myself to a 0-calorie diet and just blockade my door during the night, so I can't get food, or if I should allow 200 calories a day to attempt to prevent the sleepwalking-eating... please suggest something? I need a very strict flow-chart of food and exercise to abide by, clearly my self-control is not as strong as it was 5 years ago.

I know this post is ridiculously lacking in content, but it's an all-consuming problem right now, and I have to go to work (which also sucks). Anyone willing to help me build an eating / exercise plan that will keep my body running while losing weight rapidly? (when I was able to essentially fast for four months - I had 80 calories every other day - I didn't have anything to do but sit in school and exercise, but now I have to work 12 hour days on my feet, hauling lumber and whatnot, and exercise, and try to participate socially just in order to feel kind of normal...)

I would be sosososososososo grateful for solid input.
Current Mood:
frustrated frustrated
Current Music:
Tom Waits- I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You
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so today i had to go into work from 6am-10:30am, then i have to go back tonight from 6pm-10:30pm because there was no one to cover either the opening or the closing shifts. haha, fucking job has to ruin both ends of my day! but after work this morning i went and had my hair cut, and it looks great. honestly i had him cut it the way i wore it at my lowest weight, with the plan that it would look a little dumb and make me want to lose more, sick sick, i know. but as i said, it actually looks good, and strangely that seems to be enough. i only had a glass of milk this morning, nothing else yet today. i also got a hampton bay glass serving cart (on sale from $100 down to $20!) and I'm going to mosaic the top panel before I put it together. i thought maybe a good project like i used to do would give me an activity to feel productive. i just have to save a little more money for all the mortar and grout and tiles themselves. this guy at work...oh man, what a fucking ridiculous story. we flirted a lot when i first started working there, he asked me out, we went on three dates and the whole time i kind of had this notion that he had a girlfriend he lives with, but i didn't say anything and i made sure not to get too interested. then, finally, this girl we both dislike mentioned something about his girlfriend in front of me (she likes him, i think she was trying to make me mad at him) and that broke the ice for us to talk about it. and i know they're unhappy - she's getting her tubes tied, and he really wants children in a few years, they don't do anything together anymore, i think they're more like friends at this point. and i know how it is, i've been there, it takes a while to really assess the situation. so while i don't like that he kept it from me, i didn't make an issue of it, since it's not like we're sleeping together or anything. but regardless, he keeps asking when my dog is going to come up here (i'm at my parents in New Hampshire for a bit to save up some money post the fraud experience and Tank is staying with a friend of mine in New Mexico) so he and I can walk the dogs together (two of our dates were picnics with his boxer puppy Dutch). it made me all swoony when we were talking today, and then i caught myself. i can't decide what to feel. my dad asks me if we're still seeing each other, because he likes that i like someone healthy and normal. and i don't want to say yes or no, and i don't not want to see him, but i find myself inexplicably withdrawing from him. we always go out with a group of people from work on sunday nights, many of whom i introduced him to, and tonight the guys are going over to his house to watch the football game. *i* would like to go, but i can't because of his girlfriend. which makes me feel grumpily left out, even though it's a fair reason none of the females can go. but on the other hand, it's so nice to be "worried" about something so meaningless. not what to do about my 40 grand that jae took (nothing, apparently), or how to find out his real name so he could be arrested (not yet), or how to pay off drug debts without selling anymore (loan), or whether dan was going to kill me for quitting my job (nope). i need some silly early-20s drama more than i need the kind of shit on the Country in Peril TV specials kind of drama. (:
Current Mood:
content content
Current Music:
Colorblind - Counting Crows
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Ok. I'm 23, a senior in college in Atlanta, Georgia.

Every life is complex, there's no one part that defines me. This journal is my "secret" LJ, and specifically made so I can join communities and start communications with people my "real life friends" would question. I became anorexic at 16, and have been through various levels of recovery since then, although I'm consciously trying to lose weight right now. I lost my fianceé in a car accident two years ago, and that threw me for a loop. I got involved with some very hard drugs, both using and selling, and just gave up on caring about everything. Later, I escaped an abusive stalker of an ex who stole my money and tried to kill me.

On the other side of things, I have a fabulous family and a really magnificent circle of friends. My dog, Tank, and cat, Amy, have given me a renewed sense of purpose in life. I work hard in school, and am soon to be graduating with my bachelor's degree in English/Linguistics and Sociology. I love to travel, especially alone, and have lived in Alaska, Ireland, England, Belgium, Georgia, Texas, Ohio, and New Hampshire. I love to write, watch films, and solve cases on CSI.

One of my coworkers heard maybe 1/10 of that bio and said, "um, I'm just uncomfortable because you've lived a very different kind of life than other people." I thought it was the most short-sighted and bigoted comment I'd ever heard directed at me - everyone's life has ups and downs, everyone makes their choices and their mistakes and their recoveries. My life has different specifics than yours, but we're all just people in the end. If you think we share anything, or nothing!, and want to talk about eating disorders (pro, recovery, either one), drugs, family, dreams, or just gripe to one another about people we have to deal with on a daily basis, I'd love a message.
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